When I started this newsletter, I told myself (and you? I think? Did I actually say it?) that I would write about what's on my mind. And, well, summer is still what's on my mind, I know I wrote about it already, but #sorrynotsorry we're talking about it some more.
When my daughter started kindergarten a few years ago, I remember feeling such relief that I would no longer have to pay for full-time day care while my husband and I worked during the day. But that relief was almost immediately followed by panic when it sort of sunk in that a) the school day is shorter than the work day; b) there are days off and half-days all the time; and c) oh shit what about summer?!??
As I wrote before, I go through this oh shit what about summer?!?? cycle every single year, which is not surprising when you consider that I am a 42-year-old woman who is still, occasionally, surprised when her period comes each month. It's just who I am as a person!
Last year, the oh shit what about summer?!?? feeling was more of a deep chasm of dread, because it was Full COVID and we all knew there was not going to be any summer programming, really, and we were just going to have to knuckle down and survive every day somehow. The crashing irony of COVID Summer 2020 Thunderdome was that I spent most of the summer working extremely hard on a website designed to give kids something to do during COVID summer. This meant I would say things to my kid like "I can't play with you, I'm too busy working on this fun activity for school-age kids," which even she, at age 8, recognized as ridiculous. (Please admire these kitties I drew, though.)
This year, though, I was determined not to have another Deep Chasm of Dread summer, especially since I will be returning to in-person work starting July 1 (which is probably the subject for another newsletter). So I did what any normal, ordinary mom who doesn't struggle with executive function would do: I made a spreadsheet.
And for a few weeks now, the spreadsheet has been stressing me tf out. It was mostly empty. There were a lot of question marks (Zoo camp?????) and a lot of things marked in grey, meaning "My kid doesn't really want to do this but it's all I got." And I realized I am completely unable to internalize any of the details contained in the spreadsheet, so I was checking it approximately every 45 seconds, which made me feel a whole different kind of crazy.
My summer camp/kid childcare coverage calendar and notes are reaching “detective who can’t let that cold case go” level of detail and complexity
— Kate Hope Day (@katehopeday) May 27, 2021
I also briefly fell down a rabbit hole of reading archived files on my county government's website (what, that's not how you procrastinate?) during which time I found a document from 2006 that made me want to weep. Just look at all those summer programs! Some of them included transportation!! I started making phone calls and sending emails to try to find out of this relic from 2006 still bore any resemblance to reality, but in the meantime, I dug around a little more, and read that, in 2019, my county's Youth Bureau director reported that "state funding was reduced by 20% and will not be reimbursing any towns or agencies for their youth programs until 2021," which, while unsurprising given the state's finances, still seems not great.
I went further down this particular rabbit hole, to the point where breakfast was late and I was downloading data from the Office of the State Comptroller and learning about Aid and Incentives for Municipalities, but what I really wanted to tell you about was what happened the day before. Because my summer spreadsheet is all filled in now, but it has not brought me the relief or happiness that I thought it would.
Privatizing Play
On Friday, my husband told me about a summer program for local kids that wasn't in my spreadsheet — one I hadn't found in my searches, one that was offered by an organization I had never heard of before. According to its website, they are "a local company that wants to try to help families fill the gaps created for children and adolescents in our area as a result of closures due to COVID-19." Just reading that sentence gives me some cognitive dissonance, because, on the one hand, amazing yes please help us fill the gaps. But on the other hand, I'm so angry, because ugh why shouldn't every kid get to have this, regardless of whether or not they can afford it?
I want to pause here to say that I am deeply, tremendously, unfailingly grateful for what this organization has stepped up to do. They heard their community saying there was a need for kids' programming this summer and they mounted what I can only imagine was a tremendous effort to meet that need. It's as affordable as one could expect, and scholarships are available. I have zero criticisms of what this organization is doing. None whatsoever. I am thrilled to have access to it!
But. But!
What if we lived in a world where none of this was necessary? What if we didn't have to scramble and compete for a limited number of spaces that are only available to those who can afford to pay for them, or those who have the luck and the ability to be the first ones to click on the Google Form? (I could literally see the slots filling up when I was frantically consulting my spreadsheet and trying to figure out which ones we could do!)
I had thought — I had dreamed — that this summer was going to be the non-bummer summer. The one where we didn't need to schedule almost every waking hour of the day. The one where my kid could sleep in late and stay in her pajamas until she felt like getting dressed. The one where she could hop on her bike and say "Bye, Mom, I'm going to my friend's house" and ride away — or where friends would show up on our doorstep to ask to play in the yard or the creek.
What stops us all from giving our kids that summer, that old-fashioned, stay-out-till-the-streetlights-come-on summer memorialized in countless Facebook memes? Well, lots of things.
We don't live in a world where every kid can do these things — for a lot of reasons. Mostly, it's because there's a collective belief that kids are safe playing by themselves. That means even if we, individually, as parents, believe our kid would be safe, there's a pretty good chance their friends are not doing unsupervised free-range stuff, which means there's no neighborhood kids to play with.
Or the neighborhood or area where you live, for a variety of reasons, isn't conducive to playing outside — there are no sidewalks or the cars drive too fast or the neighbors complain about the noise or call the cops on you or there's no park or playground or the houses are too far apart or a lot of other things that make this life that kids very briefly had, for a while, in the suburbs and city neighborhoods of the 20th century, out of reach for many.
Within the span of a generation, there's been a massive shift in what we believe kids and parents should be doing, and most of it has been driven by a need to supervise kids and/or keep them safe. This shift has put tremendous pressure on parents, who have had to create or navigate entirely new systems of care that weren't part of their own childhoods. Often, we turn to private industry to relieve this pressure (i.e. signing up for a summer rec program or a day camp instead of asking a friend or a neighbor to watch your kid), but what I want to understand better is why.
Why does it feel easier or preferable or more possible to do a Google search and fill out an online form to get child care, compared with asking a friend or a neighbor or a family member for help? Also: why do you (or don't you) let your kids play outside by themselves? I have theories, but I'd love to hear your answer — what's true about this for you personally?
Quote of the Week
“Caregiving has become more and more walled up and private as the lack of shared services has been turned into a desirable fetish.”
— Alissa Quart, "Squeezed: Why Our Families Can't Afford America" (HarperCollins, 2018)
No links this week, because I haven't been reading anything honestly, but I would love it if you would share what you've been reading. If you found this newsletter from a link or a friend, why not subscribe? It's free! :) As always, I genuinely welcome your feedback on any and everything you read here. Thank you for reading!