Jessica Grose and 'Screaming on the Inside'
On the noise of other people's expectations, and the false American ideal of motherhood
Jessica Grose is an opinion writer with the New York Times. Her latest book, “Screaming on the Inside,” is a searing look at all the things that are impossible about being an American mom in the 21st century. I corresponded with Jess via email about her new book — here’s what she had to say:
Tell me the story of your book. How did you arrive at this particular topic and this approach?
I have been thinking about writing this book since around 2014. When I had a difficult pregnancy with my older daughter in 2012 — the combination of hyperemesis and depression that led me to quit a new job and sort of implode my career — I started wanting to talk about the ideals of American motherhood and how damaging, contradictory and unhelpful they are.
I spent the intervening years doing tons of reporting and writing around this topic, but everything really crystalized during the pandemic. I wanted to do a combination of memoir, reporting and historical research, because I wanted to share my story, but I know there are serious limits to my own perspective. The history was essential because I wanted to make it clear that the ideals we have now didn't just happen. They are based on hundreds of years of laws and cultural mores. We need to know where the ideals came from (often Victorian eugenicists) if we want to reverse them.
The ideals we have now didn't just happen.
They are based on hundreds of years of laws and cultural mores.
What has stuck with you the most from the research you did for this book?
The way women have always talked about motherhood honestly, if only amongst themselves. It has never been easy or always fulfilling and sweet. That's always been an illusion.
What do you most hope people take away from reading it?
I hope they can shut out the noise of other people's expectations. It's very hard, especially when you first become a parent, to separate how you want to raise your kids from what societal and familial expectations may surround you. I hope they feel less guilty and more confident.
When you are working, where are your kids? Or, to put it another way: how do you fit work in around the inadequate systems of care available to most American parents (which quite frankly feels impossible so much of the time)?
My kids are 6 and 9, so during the week they are at school and their school's afterschool program from around 8:30-5:30. I usually do a bit of work after they're asleep as well. On Sundays, my parents usually come for part of the day, so I will work then if I need to. During the summer, we pay an ungodly amount for a lovely summer camp and then we just suffer through the 2-3 weeks at the end of August when there is nothing. When I was writing the book, my husband would usually take the kids for a full weekend day so I could write. He really is a full partner in every sense of the term I would not be where I am professionally without him. Or honestly, without my parents.
Is there anything you've chosen to do differently as a parent, compared to your own family of origin?
Not consciously. I admire my parents tremendously and I think they did a pretty good job! There are small things around the edges, like we have a Christmas tree. I grew up in a Jewish household where we did not celebrate Christmas, though we weren't very religious. I always joke with my mom that if she had just let me have a Christmas tree I wouldn't have had to marry a gentile.
What's hard about this season of parenting for you and your family? (For me, it's navigating screen time with my 10yo ... how much, how often, is it OK for her to watch YouTube alone in her room, etc.)
My older daughter is very similar to me. I find watching her struggle with the same things I struggle with (perfectionism, anxiety) to be so painful, worse than experiencing them myself. I also am really not looking forward to having kids in middle school. Middle school is the WORST.
Tell me something wonderful about your kids:
My older daughter has questions about everything. She is my little litigator and she asks shockingly observant questions about things I never even noticed and can't begin to answer. On the subway today she told me everything about the Louisiana Purchase because it's what she learned in school today.
My younger daughter is so funny and serene (until she's not — she's incredibly calm until she rages out like a honey badger). I asked her what she wanted to do the other afternoon and she said, "smear paint all over my body." She loves to build things and any cardboard box that comes into the house will get turned into a new contraption.
I love their relationship with each other, they are very yin and yang and make each other laugh so hard. I hope they're best friends forever.
Thanks so much to Jessica for answering my questions. If you are writing interesting stuff about parenting and/or schools, I’d love to chat, so please be in touch!