The things a bullet journal can't fix

In 'Everyone But Myself,' Julie Chavez asks, what if I treated myself with the same love and care I show to everyone else in my life?

If you’re a parent – particularly a mom – you’ve probably felt the crushing weight of constantly putting everyone else’s needs in front of your own. In her memoir “Everyone But Myself,” author Julie Chavez delves into just this feeling as she chronicles her journey with anxiety. I had the most delightful conversation with Julie about her book, her kids, her anxiety and so much more: 

Tell me about how your book came to be:

This memoir is the story of a season of anxiety and depression that I experienced after I spent too long caring for everyone but myself. I am a mom to two boys, I work in an elementary school library, I am a person who loves my life, but I had become consumed with all the doing around it. In 2017, I had a scary reaction to an immunotherapy shot, but I didn’t have time to process that or take care of the emotions around that, so that led to my first panic attack in the following spring. The book is the story of my way through that time and how, with therapy and medication and support and changing some small habits, I was able to find my way back to a place where I could hear my own voice again. 

What do you hope people will take away from reading your book?

It is really my hope that my book would be a friend to them. If we met for coffee, this is how I would tell you this story.  

Everyone is busy, everyone feels that pressure and so sometimes we become isolated in our own stresses. And when we do that, we compound the problem. I think books like this hopefully allow not only a reader to connect with me, but with their real-life people. 

What are some of the changes you have made — big or little — to treat yourself the same way you treat the people you love?  

The small things are attending to the basics, because I wasn’t paying attention to things like nutrition, or have I had enough water today. All of those really simple pieces support our well-being more than we realize, so that was where I started.

The biggest piece was reincorporating things that I enjoy doing just because I enjoy doing them. For me, that was puzzles. I’ve always loved puzzles, and they have just enough of a goal to keep my little overachiever mind happy, but there’s not really a point. It would both slow me down and keep me busy enough that my mind was occupied.

This book is an example of something that started because it was something that I wanted for me. It comes back to paying attention, and having enough space in my life where I have time to check in on myself. It’s so natural and reflexive to take the emotional temperature of all the people around me, but I’m not stopping to do that for myself because I’m busy adjusting and accommodating and doing all these things for the people I love.

I’m curious if you had models for that when you think about the women in your own life.

I didn’t see a lot of models of women resting. I didn’t see a lot of the women I knew doing nothing. My sister is 10 years younger than me, so a lot of what I saw was my mom mothering my brother.

I think in the ’90s also saw a wave of what Jo Piazza talks about as, we were taught to “mom harder.” I think that became another layer of performative motherhood that was added during that time. Selflessness was really valued and held up as the model.

Now we’re seeing a shift in the thinking, but we don’t have the societal supports to allow that shift to happen. So yes, you know you need time for yourself, but you don’t have child care. And there’s still that kind of American idea of just doing it yourself, just working harder. You know, why was I like, “You know what I need? A bullet journal”?

Right, it’s this idea that we can optimize our way out of the hard stuff. Or buy the right product that will magically make the hard things easier.

Mothering and being a parent is loving someone. And that is such a heavy, wonderful privilege. So this idea that we can do it effectively or efficiently — we want it to mean more than that. Those are conflicting goals. I’m trying to optimize motherhood, but really what I want is to love my kids to the best of my ability and love my family in a way that honors the fact that we get to share our lives with each other. 

The problems you describe in the book — I think so many parents, and especially moms today, can relate. If you think about your mom in particular, or her generation of moms in general, do you think they would relate to what you are describing? Or does it feel like a distinctly 2020s set of problems? 

I don’t think it is! The book’s been out for a little while, and people really in all stages of life that have found something in it for them, which makes me think it’s a much more human problem than we realize. I think that has been a really interesting truth.

I think this is a perennial issue for women, and I think that women do relate to this because it’s essential. The basic trajectory of motherhood is, I have a baby, the baby is the center of my world, and I get to fall in love with this child and for a while, I am the center of their world too. But then they grow up and they just leave us and go live their lives. My mom said it was like being fired from the best job she’d ever had. There is this weird bittersweetness to loving people that leave us.

So I think at the heart of it, this book is about my deep love of my family and my fear of losing it. But in terms of rest, I don’t think women have ever been given permission or encouragement to rest. Especially not Black or brown women, who have always been working parents. 

Maybe it just doesn’t get any easier and it’s a stage of life that we have to navigate.

Having children is the least control you’ll ever have. If you’re a person who likes control and likes to do things a certain way, it’s such a formative time because it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do where you don’t know what you’re doing. When my son was little, he didn’t sleep and I followed every stupid book out there, but my mom was the one that had to help me adjust to the fact that I was no longer in a place where I could control everything. I think that’s maybe why it doesn’t get any easier.  

Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, right?  

I’m a perfectionist, so I adopted a new work motto when I went back to work, which was “Be adequate.” If you are the primary parent, then adequacy is something to aim for, because to be perfect at it is not only impossible, but a fool’s errand. You could be “good” at everything and still not engage with your child!

If you could go back to tell your previous self something that you now understand, what would it be?

There should be space for you in your life. Your joy is worth your time. I forgot that doing things that made me happy was as essential as it is. 

If I have enough space, then I can check in with myself and ask myself, Do I still enjoy this? If we’re lucky, we get to live many seasons of life within our lives. That means giving yourself permission to change, and to be bad at things. 

Tell me something great about your kids.

Their sense of humor is amazing. I think teenagers are funnier — I don’t remember being that funny! They’re so sharp, they’re so observant, and I love it when they make me laugh, and they do it every day. And I think that’s been a nice thing about them turning into teenagers, because the narrative is “it only gets harder,” and when someone just barfed on you, that’s the worst possible thing to hear. I get to watch them become who they’re meant to be. They become the main character of their story and you get to watch the performance. 

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Thanks so much to the delightful Julie for this conversation! You can find more about Julie and her book at juliewriteswords.com, and if you are on Instagram, I highly encourage you to follow her there for her hilarious Tiny Tip Tuesdays, which always make me laugh.