Shannon Carpenter and "The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad"
An interview with humor writer Shannon Carpenter about stay-at-home dad stereotypes, and the weirdest place he's ever found time to write.
I’m so happy to feature an interview with Shannon Carpenter this week and to share something new — an audio edition of Think of the Children! This is a new feature I'm playing with (and I know the audio is imperfect) so I'd love to hear what you think.
Shannon Carpenter is the author of “The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad: Your Essential Manual For Being An Awesome Full-time Father,” out in October 2021 from Penguin, and father to three kids (8, 13 and 15). You can find Shannon on Twitter at @Hossmanathome or visit his website at ShannonCarpenterAuthor.com/ .
Tell me about your book, and how it came to be:
There’s so many of us dads that have given up on reading the bigger parenting sites because it’s either condescending or it’s not direct to our experience. But there’s a hunger for that advice.
People make the assumption that mom is an obstacle and the kid is just a thing, and you want to get back to work and to the golf game as quickly as possible, and that was never my experience, nor was it the experience of the other dads I spoke to. So I wanted to write a book that spoke directly to that and said. “This is how you get things done.” I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for 13 years, and I wanted to get rid of the father platitudes of “Take one for the team” and “Tough it out,” because none of those mean anything.
I’m going to tell you how to cook with a child near you. Where you can go to find an adventure. It’s all practical advice; there’s very little platitudes in there.
That makes me realize how much parenting “advice” really isn’t advice; it’s more like telling you it’s OK to feel the way you feel. Underneath all of that is this assumption that you know what to do. But what if you don’t know what to do? I didn’t know what to to.
I’ll give you an example: The diaper bag. What do you pack in a diaper bag besides diapers and wipes? As a dad, I’d never even thought about it before I had to do it. Like a changing pad, because changing tables are not a thing everywhere. I’ve had to change in some very weird places — backs of cars, floors of restaurants.
But I’ve also noticed, if I have a multitool with me, I can repair things on the spot — a broken toy, or a stroller. And that’s what I mean about embracing who you are as a dad. I can do those things. I also carry around a little roll of duct tape, because I’ve been in those positions with that last diaper, and that tab breaks, well, now I can make my own. I interviewed 57 other dads and got their best advice, their best hacks, so it's not just one guy's opinion. There’s some genius stuff in there.
When you’re working, where are your kids?
The last 18 months changed everything. I homeschooled all three of my kids, because we were virtual schooling. But I’ve written forever, and I can legit write anywhere. I’ve written in volleyball stands, I’ve written on soccer fields, I’ve written in restaurants — bounce houses, I’ve found that to be one of the best places to write, those little jungle gyms, while the kids have a good time.
If I need some real privacy, I carved out some space in my wife’s walk-in closet. They know when that door’s closed, don’t touch it. But I found also that I write better when there’s chaos around me. I put on headphones and I jack up some heavy metal music, but I need to have that chaos that I can see. So I don’t have a particular time when I write — I just write when I can. With school starting back up, I try to cram most of it in during the day, but the truth of it is, I do some better writing at night when the kids are in bed. But every parent has to write when you can — that’s part of the deal.
What’s challenging about parenting for you at this time in your life?
I have teenagers, and that has changed things given this last year. The teenagers are more aware than ever of what’s going on in the world, and it affects them and it upsets them. Helping to guide them through the things they’ve seen — from racism and hatred to stupidity to all those things, that’s a challenge for me.
We’re going through some of that together, because it all seems so much. How do we guide kids through these big moments: What is Black Lives Matter? What do I do when I see online trolls and hatred, and how do I confront that? Guiding them through that is a challenge. I can tell you what 2+2 is, but if we’re going to try to talk about institutionalized racism, we’re going to have to sit down and talk about this. It makes the birds and the bees seem easy.
I can tell you what 2+2 is, but if we’re going to try to talk about institutionalized racism, we’re going to have to sit down and talk about this. It makes the birds and the bees seem easy.
Compared to the household you grew up in, what’s one thing you’re doing differently as a parent?
We communicate a lot — a ton. No topic is off-limits. My dad had MS, but we didn’t talk about the MS. Not really. My dad was pretty straight-laced: you do the right thing and that’s what you do. Especially about mental health. For my kids, I paid a lot of attention to their mental health last year, there was a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. So we had open dialogues every day, and I think that’s different from when I was a kid.
What’s something you swore you would never do as a parent that you have absolutely done?
I thought I would be a lot like my father, that I would tell them to tough it out. And I do at times. And that I would be very hard on them. And I thought I would be a very big fan of spanking because I got whooped as a kid, but then I had a kid and I was like, Nah, I’m not doing that. Because I can’t tell them not to hit, and then hit them. I want to use positive reinforcement for better outcomes in the future. That’s one of the things that changed from when I was young, an idiot 20-year-old, to being a dad. It’s where the rubber meets the road. I thought I was going to have this great schedule and then you’re in it and you’re like, I can’t even shower.
Did you choose your kids’ school?
They go to the local school, but we chose where to live because of the school. I did a lot of research because we moved here when my daughter was 19 months old. I pulled data of graduation rates, college rates, and compared. That was a big deal to me. But I realize my wife and I had the ability to make that choice.
Where did you look to find out if a school was good — and what would you look for?
There’s a bunch of big things and a bunch of little things. My big ones were graduation rates, class sizes and I think money per student. I don’t want empty meaningless numbers and things; I want specifics.
Tell me something you love about your kids’ school:
I really truly mean this, I love their teachers. They are committed, man, and we’ve been lucky enough that we’ve had mostly great and wonderful teachers. They seem to put up with so much stuff. When I go into the classroom, I ask what they need that will make a difference. And I want to let them know, Quit spending your money and let us spend ours. That’s my favorite thing.
If you could change anything about what goes on at your kids’ school, what would it be?
Communication. I don’t think I had a big problem with it before COVID, but since, the communication is just not clear, and it’s an issue. I know they have a lot to handle, but we’re talking about easy things. The way our online school started, they said, “Go to this website where we have school.” Nothing else. And we had to figure that out. I get newsletters, but you have to actively work to find out the things you want to know. It needs to improve.
Tell me something your kids do that really pushes your buttons:
The one thing that just kills me is leaving the dishes out, assuming that I will do them. We get up from dinner and just leave their plate and walk away. I’m like, “I ain’t your maid. Come back.” They all three do this, but it happens during the day too. There’s just a random plate on the kitchen table. There’s bread crumbs everywhere. That pushes my buttons pretty hardcore.
Tell me something wonderful about your kid(s):
Their sense of adventure. For the last 11 or 12 years, we’ve done the Dads Trip: five dads, 16 kids, we pick a direction and we just go. That time that I get on the road with them, with all 16 of them — I’ve known all these kids since they were in diapers — it’s just an amazing time. They will send me an email, “Shannon, this is something we have to go see.” The world’s largest ball of twine, the world’s largest pair of overalls, the world’s largest shamrock, largest baseball bat — they will find things and say, “We have to go to that.” What amazes me is to see them build those friendships and memories outside of me and to push even farther their confidence level. To me as a dad, those are the things that are going to help them when they’re adults.
Thanks again to Shannon for speaking with me this week, and I really hope you will check out the audio edition of Think of the Children! If you enjoyed this newsletter, won't you consider sharing it with a friend?