What more could boys be?

Ruth Whippman's 'BoyMom' urges us to push past the narrowness of the patriarchy to imagine richer lives for our boys and men.

Ruth Whippman is a British journalist and writer raising her three boys in the United States. Her latest book, “BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity,” asks, How do we raise our sons to have a healthy sense of self without turning them into oblivious assholes? I spoke to Ruth about her book, about momming three boys, and about how to speak and think more generously about boys and men.

---

What are you hoping readers will take away from this book?

I wanted to start a conversation about boys that was empathetic. We have this really weird dichotomy where you’ve got these rabid men’s rights activists on the right, and they’re the ones really taking up the mantle of boys’ issues. I wanted something from a feminist perspective that really showed boys some empathy and communicated that we really need to see boys as more expansive beings. They’re not simply these little puppies or these kind of terrible predators in waiting. I wanted to have a more nuanced conversation about it.

You dug into a lot of research and science about boys, their brain development, their experiences, and how they’re socialized. What were some of the things that surprised you the most?

The biggest surprise was how male babies are born with their brains less developed and they’re more vulnerable to disruption in the early months. So boys need more from their caregivers in those early months. But, because of our expectations around masculinity, they actually end up getting less of that kind of care. They need more and they get less. Together those things can end up with some really serious consequences.

In terms of my research interviewing boys in the real world, the top note was just loneliness. It was really shocking to me how lonely these boys felt and how much they craved deeper connection. But they just felt they didn’t have the social permission for it and they didn’t know how to do it.

We have all these social rules for boys to perform this kind of indifference. Sometimes that’s real tough guy stuff and sometimes it’s just like endless banter and humor, but it precludes them being really intimate and vulnerable with each other.

I’ve heard from so many women who feel frustrated that they are their male partner’s only outlet for any kind of emotional connection.

I think women have become really good at talking about this. They’re just kind of fed up with playing that role. You have women whose male partners are not meeting their needs. Some of it is emotional caregiving that they feel like they’re providing but not receiving. That sort of feminist conversation is often framed in terms of the harm for women, which is very real. But there’s a real harm for boys and men as well. They rely on women for these things, but women are fed up and have run out of goodwill for it.

There are a million subtle ways that we socialize boys away from these things. It’s both about what we do teach them, and what we don't teach them. We don’t expose them to these kinds of role models. We don’t have stories about boys taking on this relational work. If you can’t see it, you can’t be it.

I was struck by the part in your book where you talk about how there aren’t really any stories for young readers that are focused on boys’ friendships.

If it is there, it’s this very little sub-plot that happens for 10 seconds before the boys go off on the adventure. It’s not the driving force of the story. Whereas in the stories aimed at girls, it’s the thrust of the story. So we have all these stories about girls negotiating personal dilemmas, managing other people’s needs, and so on.

And it becomes this circular thing. Because we tend to trivialize things that women value, we’ve kind of overvalued things like power, and focused on getting women to have access to power. We’ve undervalued skills like intimacy, so we don’t even see it register as a loss to boys. There’s so much focus on the realities of male privilege that we haven’t focused as much on the harms that patriarchy does to boys and men.

There is a really proud feminist tradition of doing just that, like bell hooks and other feminist writers who have acknowledged that harm. But in the post-Me Too era, women are justifiably so angry, that we’re just like, We’ve had enough, there’s no good will left for men and boys, they’ve gained so much privilege from these systems and we’re just fed up with it.

If you could wave your magic wand and change something, anything, about how boys are socialized or treated, what comes to mind?

I think a lot of boys are being shut down from both sides, in a way. You’re still expected to be this masculine, dominant person who makes the first move and acts in these slightly aggressive way, but also you must never overstep in the slightest way. So it’s no wonder that a lot of boys are saying, I’d rather just avoid everything altogether and be in my bedroom and watch porn.

I’d like to see us give boys permission to express their emotions, expose them to wider range of role models and to give them the kind of nurture and care that has been missing. And I’d like to see a conversation that’s much more generous about boys, that acknowledges that they are children.

We need to acknowledge the history of male violence and the very real harms against women. But these kids didn’t cause that. They didn’t do those things. So I think we should allow them a fresh start and talk about them in a way that gives them a little grace. They’re living in this very unusual historical moment when the conversation around boys is very, very negative, and it’s really hard on them. They don’t love this at all. They hate it. The pressure to be masculine is exhausting. That’s why the subtitle of the book is “impossible masculinity.” It’s impossible from all sides.

When you think about the kind of boy you could be, there’s sort of one model, which is the brave, adventure hero, and then there’s the response to that, which is the anti-hero, who’s going to say that school is stupid, everything is dumb, girls are gross, and so on. Those seem to be the only choices.

How has this changed you as a parent, or in how you relate to boys and men?

I think I have a lot more empathy for them. I’m able to see their position a lot better. Especially when my third boy was born, right in the thick of this Me Too conversation, I was so frightened of this idea of toxic masculinity that my response was to be very harsh like, OK, we’ve got to discipline you out of this. I think I wasn’t showing so much empathy.

But when I approach them with real connection, it’s just a different orientation. To see them as emotional beings that are in need of support, and I’m on their side and I’m advocating for them. Trying to listen to their feelings. One of the things we tend to do with boys is to see the emotional problems as behavioral problems, so those are the tools we give them. So I’ve been trying to see beneath the behavior to understand the emotion behind it.

Do you see any signs of hope out there?

I have been really heartened by the response to the book. The initial response has been so positive: From parents of boys, from boys and men, men who are saying, Thank you for naming this problem. From mums of boys who are saying, you’ve given a voice to this really complex feeling I’ve been having.

The other hopeful thing that I’ve felt was the boys themselves that I interviewed. They were so reflective and thoughtful and so emotionally intelligent. It really gave me hope. The raw materials are all there; we just need to give them permission to work with them. These are kids who are remarkably thoughtful and articulate in the midst of something that's really hard to navigate. If they can maintain that level of thoughtfulness and care, in the face of that, that actually felt really hopeful. If we can change the story for them, they’re ready to take up the charge.

These kids are remarkably thoughtful and articulate in the midst of something that's really hard to navigate. If we can change the story for them, they’re ready to take up the charge.

Tell me something wonderful about your own boys.

My boys are so great. I feel like all the work we’ve put in has really started to pay off. My boys are so thoughtful and they’re so emotionally articulate and they’re so good at reflecting on their own feelings. They’re very kind, they’re funny as hell, they’re just lovely kids. And they’re also wild. I’m a very flawed parent and I’m trying some things and trying my best, but I’m very proud of who they’re becoming.

---

You can find Ruth on Instagram at @ruthwhippman, and I encourage you to subscribe to her Substack, I Blame Society. Ruth’s website, with links to this book and other writing, is ruthwhippman.com.